By Alessandra Suuberg, Decency LLC
My interest in mental health began in earnest with someone I met around a decade ago.
At that time, I had a very basic textbook familiarity with different diagnoses and treatments, however I would not have known to recognize most of the relevant symptoms or patterns among people around me—or known what to do had I recognized them.
And that was the problem, for me, with the above-mentioned encounter.
Looking back on our interactions, today I can make a better-informed guess about what was happening to my counterpart (“clinically”), and I have a better understanding of why something about him was setting off my radar.
In contrast, back then, I only knew that my radar had been set off, and that I felt an acute need to do something—without having any idea what to do. Instinctively, I felt like he was at the edge of something (i.e., a particular psychiatric disorder), and that he hadn’t fully crossed the line yet, and I wanted to reach out and pull him back before that happened.
Eventually that experience of wanting to do something but not knowing what to do helped set me on a path that would lead to Boston in 2016, a career change, and an extensive and varied familiarization with different medical conditions both in research settings and in the real world, including through work in mental health.
Why am I mentioning all of this now, and how is it relevant for Decency LLC?
Shortly before I started Decency, I had a proverbial ‘aha! moment’ conversation with a friend, and in that context it occurred to me to look back on the last 5+ years and ask myself: Was anything learned?
And of course, given where the journey to Boston had started, the true test of learning in this case would be:
If I were to have a similar encounter again, like the one that set off my radar a decade ago, would I know what to do this time?
I do think that I am better equipped now than I was back then, at least in the sense that I can put a textbook label on what was happening to my counterpart.
I also think that, knowing what I know now, I would not have worried as much about needing to do something for him. Looking back I can see that this person was aware of what was happening to him, had a support system, and was actually being relatively open with me about what he needed (e.g., mentioning to me that he was going through a difficult time, saying when he needed a break from what we were working on, saying when he was willing to keep going). All of this was being expressed—albeit subtly—and I just didn’t speak the right “language” yet to pick up on various nuanced meanings.
Furthermore, I’m not sure that my trying to do anything more for this person would actually have helped.
In the long run, this person did end up taking an extended break from mainstream life. But after that, if I’m not mistaken, he finished school and met a girl, and now the two of them run a business together. Their lifestyle is artsy and alternative and free, and it looks like they have love, an occupation, and a purpose. What could I possibly have changed (e.g., encouraging this person to force himself back into a buttoned-down mainstream life that didn’t fit), and what would have been better than the actual outcome?
And that brings me to two main takeaways from this decade-long journey—points that will hopefully guide Decency’s work (in and/or beyond the mental health context), that were eventually driven home for me repeatedly during years of crisis line work, and that might be repeatedly driven home and forgotten for many of us who work in some capacity in healthcare:
One, when you’re worried about what to do to help someone, take the time to listen to them. Educate yourself in the conventional ways, learn to recognize patterns, great. But don’t fixate on what you think might need to be done, so much that you forget to hear what your counterpart may actually be telling you about what they need.
Two, you don’t always need to do something. True, on rare occasion you may be the only person who notices a need or pattern that others have missed, or who is equipped to help in a particular way. But remember that sometimes that needed, specialized assistance or service might actually be an informed readiness to step back and do nothing.
Am I wrong about some of this? All of this? Please contact me and let me know. I’m listening, hopefully more effectively now.
Disclaimer: The information and opinions on this site do not include legal advice or the advice of a licensed healthcare provider.